I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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