someone threw a dead crab at me
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
