seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
