Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
