i wish there were pregnant emoticons
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
