She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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