i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
