When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
