My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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