two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
