I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
