Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
