Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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