When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
