I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
