I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
