The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
