my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
