I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
