I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
