ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
