apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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