I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We just shotgunned beers for America
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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