Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
