I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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