Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
