mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
