John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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