I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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