Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
be right there i have to get my cape
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
