no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
