I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
