did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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