sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
