I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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