My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
