Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
he thought i was a dude.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
