He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
