dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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