toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
