After last night, I could never be a politician.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
