saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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