On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
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