you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I want her autograph on my taint
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
