i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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