I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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