dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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