At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
