I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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