she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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