The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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