Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
