I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
