We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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