she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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