If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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