I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
