Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
