between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
